I need depth. Crave it. Long for it in every aspect of my life. It is a requirement for myself and my relationships. It is…not that easy to embody but I am determined to follow this desire, this longing, to its end. Deeply feeling my emotions. All of my emotions. Whatever comes up.
On my way to work last week I had the most interesting car ride. I had just launched this site to a more public forum. Basically, I posted this as my status on Facebook and opened myself up to the masses. The response was touching and heart warming. Likes and loves galore and sweet comments from college friends, my siblings, and others.
As I was driving to work days later I found myself deep in my emotions. Many of them at once. I was ticking off my list of who gave support and who didn’t…I couldn’t help it. Both joy and dismissiveness filled me at once. I was releasing recent disappointment and feeling peaceful for standing my ground. I was so proud of my accomplishment yet saddened by the reality of celebrating yet another milestone alone. I was grateful to be going to work but was craving a warm blanket and the time to sit and simply read a book. All of this while driving my car down a windy road and seemingly looking like a fully functioning adult with her hair curled and teeth whitened.
It was in this moment I realized I was in deep and I was able to embody it all. I was intentionally diving under one moment and gasping for air the next and it was ok. I was fine. I was still able to get to work on time and perform at my usual top level. The day was not a puddle of tears or a hidden face from my coworkers. I was not fake happy either. I was enjoying the depth of me. The wholeness I have found. The beauty of being it all, all at once, and I was loving it, honoring it, arriving at it and embracing it. This was another depth to my spiritual awakening and the practice that continues to meet me.
I found another layer and another ledge.